my story and my song

And he said he will leave.

Soft dreams,

dreamt on a cold shelterless night,

within those vague misty folds

saw your warm arms

came close, inside you,

to shelter those soft-babies

it was freezing cold,

cried frozen tears as I went away,

Thank God! My babies are still alive.

Nothing is worse than the feeling of being misunderstood by someone who you thought understood you better than yourself!

nothing, never, nowhere, no one and none.

Closed-tired sensation of hopelessness and silent tears which run and soak in the orange lampshade. Alone. Volunary loneliness. Consciously chosen one.

He called me. And I talked to him direct and to the point. His voice sounded so sweet and even flirtatious as he took my name again and again. I don’t know, I think I am making meaning out of it. And I will do that. If reality doesn’t suit me, I will make imagination to suit my mind and heart.

It felt so good when I could hear a smile in his voice when he said goodbye. I could hear the rhythm in my heart. It felt divine. A slight tingling sensation.Amazing!

Here I am smiling, peaceful and content.

“It takes a lot of strength to admit that you are weak”

Sometimes so easy to peep into the future and to tell all about it. And I can see it and feel and that you will never be able to understand me. It is not that you are incapable of doing that. It is just that you will never try to do it. You cannot love me.

Love you anyway…

Neither success nor failure is permanent but I have learnt one thing that is both of them are in mind. You can decide to be successful always. But being unsuccessful for a short while in one’s mind can fuel one’s talents and productivity immensely.

The feelings of rejection and failure often give a great energy-rush to mind which can be magical creative shower and make masterpieces.

It can add a marvellous streak to who you are and what you are. Even feeling of loneliness when taken head on to create something productive can break all mental blocks to produce amazing break-throughs. For me all my emotions have the power to set me in motion. I can create, produce, nourish my life and relationships with all kinds of emotions. They are springboards of actions. Feelings makes one think. Thoughts are the beginning of creativity. Feelings and thoughts coming out of a thwarted desire(ie.failure/rejection) can create a kind of creations which provides a substitute fulfillment. Frankly, it can provide unparalleled fulfillment/gratification to oneself and to the world it can give historical masterpieces.

When I feel low, I open my pen and copy and jump into the world of creation. If I don’t feel like writing I paint. Usually, after few initial hiccups I am able to seep into the process of creation. Or I go for a date with myself!

In my hearts I am so much of a child.

It is amazing and outrageous to be me. I fall in love with everything and everybody so easily. I have this unstoppable habit of absorbing and magnifying the good in everyone. Since I am able to sense out good and beautiful in everyone almost instinctively, I fall in love with everyone instantly. It gives me flickering yet fulfilling joy to be with people I love. It makes me restless when they are away. I work and think alone as that works best for me. And, I am usually the most productive when I am alone. But within those moments of intense and fulfilling labour, sometimes I miss you. You all. Even friendly stranger whom I might never meet again. Especially those of who in whom I have seen treasure houses of goodness, love and excellence.

But here is a child who has seen enough of the world to realize that people might or might not love you back.They may never know that you loved them so much. And their not knowing makes the love so compelling at first but slowly since it fails to achieve mutuality and form it dissolves into nothingness. The only thing it does is, it enriches the universe with positive love-like vibes.

It is difficult to be an experienced child. A child who knows that the doll she is crying for will never be hers, her fairy mother will never rescue her, she will never find that present near her pillow, she will be alone when she will need someone.

She still remains innocent, because she still believes in miracles, coincidences, love, luck, happiness, fulfillment and family. “May be someday” she wonders with a tearful-bright sparkle in her eyes.

But she knows within her that when she dies even if she lives to be 90 year old, she will still remain a child!